Instilling Respect In Troubled Teen

My 14-year-old stepdaughter lacks respect for all adults. Her teachers give her unsatisfactory marks in citizenship for her disruptive actions (talking, giggling, lying) in their classrooms. We have spoken to three of her teachers, and it is obvious that they dislike her because her behavior is not improving.
She is the product of a divorce with a mother who has chosen her dating life as a priority over the child. My husband and I have taken on 50 percent of the responsibility to try to get her on track. We have tried positive reinforcement and also expressed disappointment in her lack of respect. We are seeking counseling for her, but she is opposed to it. How do we help her learn to respect adults? -- Frustrated Parents
Answer: Please pursue the counseling in spite of your stepdaughter's reluctance. She needs to know that you will follow through when you say that you are going to do something. She may actually welcome talking to someone not related to family or school.
Praise your stepdaughter when she behaves well, but make sure that there are clear consequences for inappropriate behavior. This could vary from adding chores to reducing TV time to eliminating phone privileges. These consequences need to be applied consistently. At first, the girl's behavior may become worse to see if she can avoid the consequences. If so, it's a sign you are on the right track.
As far as school goes, you should create a collaborative plan with the teachers that includes daily communication on the child's behavior with consequences for misbehavior. If the girl's mother will not follow through with consequences, it will be harder and slower to change the child -- but not impossible. Children clearly understand that they have to behave differently in different environments. Hopefully, your stepdaughter will ultimately decide to behave appropriately in all settings.